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Beginnings

Photo at Polace, on beautiful Mljet island, Croatia (pronounced Mill Yet in case you wondered…)

Begin by getting going. Just take a step. Trust yourself.

Some say the journey is easy, it’s the first step that’s the hardest part. I’m not sure I agree with that. But for sure, getting going is a thing isn’t it?

I’m making some new beginnings. I like starting new things. But I see that just starting lots of things gets me nowhere. Building is equally important.

I’ve gotta face it, I find it easy to run away. To just leave. It’s easier than facing up to the onwards continual endurance event that life can feel like sometimes. I’m honest about my mental health challenges… and in my endeavours to fix my mental health I’ve looked at my life and tried to spot when all this started… or with whom… to say, ‘that was where it started, that was the cause.’ But let’s be fair… I’ve been like this for ages. At Uni and school I can remember the slumps. The awful open tap somewhere in my head leaking out my motivation. More often than not, I’ve faked it until I’ve made it, and those daily efforts come with huge psychological demands that I just can’t sustain. And then I come to collapse point, and the tap opens in my head again. And my life becomes a scribble.

So yes to new beginnings now. The easier ‘beginnings’ things are starting new activities, a new job and learning new skills… Self-confidence is my known issue but it’s known so I can deal with it.

But new beginnings for myself? For Julia? To rewire my head, that’s where the true challenge lies. To change my mind. I can’t just run a marathon or jump into cold water or work feverishly and just distract myself. I have to actually get inside this thing. Inhabit it. Grab it. Look at it. I don’t want to have Mental Health issues. I’m just done with it. I have to find a way. I’m going to find a way.

I took a look at my face for the first time in some time. I don’t like mirrors or photos or videos… but I took a look and saw someone needing to be happier. To feel happier. So I’ve set out a journey… firstly, to feel alright… then to ‘OK’, then to ‘Fine’, then to ‘Good’, then to ‘Happy’. I’ve stepped it out. Or it’s rungs of a ladder. So here I go. I see the steps ahead now. So forwards. Onwards. To new beginnings.